Stop It, Commercials

McDonald’s: Over 9 Billion Divorces Served

Posted in Uncategorized by hendyhendel on February 28, 2010

To celebrate the 2010 Winter Olympics in exquisite Vancouver, British Columbia, the various sponsors have stood upon the snowy mountaintops and cried up in a single voice: EAT SHIT, DADS.

This message shines most brightly in ads from two entities: The first, a series of Proctor and Gamble spots celebrating the moms who guide their children through lives that lead to the Olympics (completely at the request of the children, I’m sure) with no father in sight. I like to picture a single father sitting in an ice rink waiting room, pitied by the mothers around him but never included in their post-PTA get-togethers. As his young daughter undoes her skates and changes from her form-fitting outfit into her day-to-day wear in the locker room, a Proctor and Gamble commercial interrupts the midday Olympic coverage, celebrating the magnificent women doing exactly what he’s doing. Briefly, quietly, he questions his manhood and wonders if in this world of 3rd-wave feminism (possibly 4th), society has gone full-circle and sucked him of all respect. He lightly sighs and an image of his ex-wife, living comfortably in Portland with her new husband, new children, new job, and new life, graces his subconscious.

The ad that more predominantly disregards the family is the one that follows:

Mom wins! Yay! Son loves Mom! Freud’s corpse must get a chubby each time this commercial airs.

While it’s not shown in the commercial, it’s safe to assume the son turns to his dad and delivers a choice line from the film The Squid And The Whale: “Suck my dick, ass man.”

Putting aside the disgusting subtext of this commercial (“Buy your child a Happy Meal and you will win his love…just for fun, make earning that love the parental competition it should be”), it’s all the more baffling and Oedipal that the father doesn’t even win the competition, despite getting the kid the junk food and crappy toy (look at that apartment — why would a child raised in a place like that crave a dollar hamburger and an out-dated Star Wars figurine?). I suppose this ad goes to show that when parents compete, Mom wins. Because in the 21st Century, Mom is the hero of the world and Dad is the sad comic relief, pretending to have a grip on his life while Mom props a foot upon his nutsack like the great Conquistadora she is (might I direct you to ABC’s new hit comedy, Modern Family?).

So keep an eye out, television viewers: rumor has it that during the Oscars telecast, there will be a commercial where a young lad brutally slaughters his father while he sleeps and copulates with his mother right then and there, all because she promised him Disney World for his birthday. As it should be.

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