Stop It, Commercials

McDonald’s: Over 9 Billion Divorces Served

Posted in Uncategorized by hendyhendel on February 28, 2010

To celebrate the 2010 Winter Olympics in exquisite Vancouver, British Columbia, the various sponsors have stood upon the snowy mountaintops and cried up in a single voice: EAT SHIT, DADS.

This message shines most brightly in ads from two entities: The first, a series of Proctor and Gamble spots celebrating the moms who guide their children through lives that lead to the Olympics (completely at the request of the children, I’m sure) with no father in sight. I like to picture a single father sitting in an ice rink waiting room, pitied by the mothers around him but never included in their post-PTA get-togethers. As his young daughter undoes her skates and changes from her form-fitting outfit into her day-to-day wear in the locker room, a Proctor and Gamble commercial interrupts the midday Olympic coverage, celebrating the magnificent women doing exactly what he’s doing. Briefly, quietly, he questions his manhood and wonders if in this world of 3rd-wave feminism (possibly 4th), society has gone full-circle and sucked him of all respect. He lightly sighs and an image of his ex-wife, living comfortably in Portland with her new husband, new children, new job, and new life, graces his subconscious.

The ad that more predominantly disregards the family is the one that follows:

Mom wins! Yay! Son loves Mom! Freud’s corpse must get a chubby each time this commercial airs.

While it’s not shown in the commercial, it’s safe to assume the son turns to his dad and delivers a choice line from the film The Squid And The Whale: “Suck my dick, ass man.”

Putting aside the disgusting subtext of this commercial (“Buy your child a Happy Meal and you will win his love…just for fun, make earning that love the parental competition it should be”), it’s all the more baffling and Oedipal that the father doesn’t even win the competition, despite getting the kid the junk food and crappy toy (look at that apartment — why would a child raised in a place like that crave a dollar hamburger and an out-dated Star Wars figurine?). I suppose this ad goes to show that when parents compete, Mom wins. Because in the 21st Century, Mom is the hero of the world and Dad is the sad comic relief, pretending to have a grip on his life while Mom props a foot upon his nutsack like the great Conquistadora she is (might I direct you to ABC’s new hit comedy, Modern Family?).

So keep an eye out, television viewers: rumor has it that during the Oscars telecast, there will be a commercial where a young lad brutally slaughters his father while he sleeps and copulates with his mother right then and there, all because she promised him Disney World for his birthday. As it should be.

1st Annual Super Bowl Commercial Round-Up: The Results

Posted in Uncategorized by hendyhendel on February 17, 2010

After re-experiencing the commercials, I have reached a conclusion: No one cared. No agency. No company. No consumer. No one tried, no one connected. It was a complete waste of a venue (thank God the game itself was decent, because all of the icing on the SB cake was barely palatable).

To start off, the BEST:

This was difficult, because nothing was impressive and definitely did not endure. Betty White/Abe Vigoda was a good laugh at the time, but once that surprise is gone, the commercial is pretty hollow. One could argue the best commercial was the Dove Men’s, because I saw the product in CVS and bought it, for no discernible reason, but since we’re judging commercials on their entertainment value first and their effectivity second, Dove does not win. The best commercial of Super Bowl XLIV was Monster.com:

Does it sell the product? No. Does it connect to the product? Hardly. Is it fun to watch a beaver playing the fiddle for all of 30 seconds? Hell fuckin’ yeah. End of story.

In a close second was the E-Trade baby with his girlfriend, only for the use of the word “milkaholic.”

And now, the WORST:

This one was also difficult as well, since it takes legitimate investment in something to make it truly awful (see: the Twilight film). Since there was minimal investment in these commercials, the apathy was more offensive than the ads. However, two commercials were mutually representative of all wrong with this round of Super Bowl spots.

First, the “Green Police” ad from Audi:

This ad is despicable for it’s ass-backwards message. “We have a green car — not for the environment, but so that we can brag to all those fucking hippie scientists. Fuck you, issues!” Even if Audi pretended to give a crap about the environment, this would be more respectable. However, they insult everyone who believes that climate change can be slowed by little life changes (you know, the PEOPLE THEY’RE TARGETING WITH THIS AD). Audi is laughing at the very reason they have to decrease emissions. In the end, this commercial tries to sprinkle magic Irony Powder all over a real concern people have, trying to show detachment from a topic that people are tired of joking about (same goes for Auto-tune…I’m looking at you, Bud Light…)

speaking of Bud Light:

This commercial embodies two problems with this year’s set of SB ads: 1) Too many Bud Light ads, and 2)a hatred for women that goes beyond bro-seph homo-eroticism and is balls-to-the-face sexist. This ideal stuck out the most with the Dodge Charger ad where men list the things they do that they no like to do (a woman’s group has released a subsequent YouTube video that has the understated effectiveness of a scorned woman’s glare), but this moist pile pulls its wretched weight. It reads like a romantic comedy written by someone who has never met a real man or woman and was instead presented with a hastily assembled check-list of things each gender likes (Men = “the game,” beer; Women = book clubs). This scenario is so unbelievably horrendous, that watching it play out is akin to watching a bomb explode and wondering if you’ll get hit by shrapnel. This commercial did not even try to redeem itself by giving the men something remotely intelligent to say about a piece of literature, instead opting for attempts at jokes (apparently this sole writer who has never met a real man or woman has also never heard a real joke). Hell, even the women weren’t saying anything about the damn book (book clubs are odd entities, it’s true, but the club usually consists of people who have heard of “books”), and looked like they were desperately waiting for the man to take them over and save them from the devastating burden of thinking. This commercial insults me, both as an intelligent man and as some who loves and appreciate women, and that is why it can be the FUCKING WORST of the 2010 Super Bowl.

1st Annual Super Bowl Commercial Round-Up: Some Brief Thoughts

Posted in Uncategorized by hendyhendel on February 8, 2010

This is being written from a Starbucks near my DC-area home with miraculously free WiFi (I guess another case of DC telling New York to fuck itself). I’m stuck in the middle of the DC Blizzard of 2010, going on 57 hours without electricity. I was fortunate enough to find a working TV last night and caught the first half of the game. Once power is restored, I will be scouring Hulu’s page devoted entirely to Super Bowl ads (buh??) to catch up on ads from the second half and then present the best and words ads of the 2010 Super Bowl.

For now, some thoughts:

-Frontrunner for best: Betty White and Abe Vigoda playing football. If only for living rooms across the nation proclaiming in one voice, “I thought Abe Vigoda was dead.”

-All I got from Tim Tebow’s ad was that he loves himself almost as much as he hates abortion and that his mom looks like Mary Steenburgen.

-Are you a white male with a shitty beard? Congratulations! You’re a beer commercial!

-What was the deal with all the Man stuff? According to ad agencies, being a man is defined by doing things you hate for vaginas you don’t, and then rewarding yourself for it (or taking a personal television to the mall, which isn’t pathetic in the least bit). At least there was a nod to the Gays, which ad agencies define as limp noodles in bright colors who love to high-five in public. This deserves a longer post on how the complexity of “Mad Men” is too much in comparison to what viewers are used to on television, forcing people to cherry-pick which of the show’s qualities to focus on (in this case, glorified chauvinism).

-HAHA JAY LENO TOPICALITY LETTERMAN HATES LENO THIS IS FUNNY. You know what the simplest solution to creating an awkward late night host party? Bring Conan.

-Not only did a no-name company buy space for a boring spot on fish sticks, they bought two.