Stop It, Commercials

“Denise? Some guy wants to leave his wife for you.”

Posted in Uncategorized by hendyhendel on January 27, 2010

Two things:

1) Not only is the scenario and dialogue slightly off-putting unto itself, but the makers of this commercials managed to cast the one actor who embodies the idea of “I graduated high school 13 years ago, but still hang around the parking lot picking up tail.” Denise seems like a nice enough person, but everyone makes mistakes, and this guy looks like one of the biggest mistakes she has ever made. Ignoring that the subject is a new burrito (which sucks, bee tee dub), the look on her face screams, “What are you doing here? I work here!”, while his sad, pathetic look says, “While I was masturbating to your memory, I decided we should elope. I’m leaving Nancy for you, she will never understand me like you do. I hate myself.” Denise looks almost relieved when the subject turns out to be a burrito and not his wife.

I know I’m not alone in thinking this man is deeply unsettling, judging by the handful of re-dubs and remixes of this commercial on YouTube. So let this commercial be a warning to suspicious wives: if you don’t know where your husband is, he’s sniffing jailbait in the drive-thru lane.

2)Less remarked-upon but still striking: What is up with Red’s attitude?? Is she jealous that Denise got the older man, regardless of what scum he clearly is, hunting down his teenage mistress at her minimum wage job? Does she wish she was that teenage mistress? When he asks for Denise, there’s no confusion on her part, just fire-crotch bitterness (perhaps word travels fast around the Taco Bell kitchen. Good to know).


Everyone In Your Neighborhood Hates Trident Sandwich Gum

Posted in Uncategorized by hendyhendel on January 27, 2010

This commercial has been around for sometime, so you’re most likely familiar with the Trident Sandwich. It is a sandwich we’re looking at, right?

This commercial never says who has sponsored the campaign, but it’s an ad from some special interest group who deeply hates Trident gum. My guess is a bunch of fucking dentists or something. Why else would no one featured in this commercial appear to seriously want the product? Based on everyone’s over-the-top expressions, creepy gazes and toothy grins, they are all sarcastically implying that this gum is the absolute worst possible payment anyone could ever be forced to settle with.

“You expected money, silly babysitter, but hows about some gum instead?”

“Yes! Gum! I will settle for gum!”

“We are all jealous of your gum payment, especially us minorities working service jobs!”

I apologize for going into an analysis of irony, but I had to assure myself that the makers of this commercial had zero interest in anyone ever purchasing the Trident Sandwich. It’s so far-fetched to believe that the company that sells Trident gum would ever try to cleverly advertise their product as a joking replacement for money, because (obvs!) this gum is so terribly foul, that it’s beneath getting paid in brass knuckles to the face.

Well don’t you worry, Dentist Brigade (that’s their union): not only has your ad influenced this consumer to never purchase this gum or even accept a piece from a friend or colleague, but simply looking at the product sends me running.

Why Buy Products from Companies That Think You’re A Dick?

Posted in Uncategorized by hendyhendel on January 13, 2010

Nothing ruins television more than commercials that treat their customers like buckets of slime. Think about it: how often have you been watching TV, seen a commercial and wondered, “Am I in on that joke?” The answer to that question is always “No.” Look at it this way, if someone force-fed you moist and tepid garbage, all the while laughing at you, would you feel included in the joke and want to celebrate the occasion?

I want to start off with a type of commercial that has no respect for its target audience, because it tries to target individuals with no respect for themselves: beer commercials. Lately, there have been a growing series of Miller Lite ads that look like “Always Sunny In Philadelphia” took a dump and then that dump waited for its girlfriend outside Forever 21 trying not to look like a wiener.

Let’s break this horseshit down and investigate the chunks: First of all, what is the scenario of this commercial? No, it’s not a novel or a film, but context is important, it creates relate-ability. What we see here seems to be a post-collegiate man and his girlfriend taking his dog for an afternoon walk, and during that walk, they decide to stop into a bar and grab a couple of beers. While this is odd behavior, I suppose it’s believable, since beer can be refreshing and the dog must have already pooped or something, but that’s a flimsy context that, in a 30-second spot, I should get immediately rather than figure my way through it afterwards, making sure that Miller Lite might want me as a customer.

Now here’s where I’d be pissed if I were a woman: clearly this is a commercial for men of a certain ilk, because the woman shown is cruel, clingy and neurotic (the man’s an ass as well, but she’s the one instigating the conversation while he woodenly drapes his arm over her shoulder like a 12-year-old in the movie theater when her mom’s not looking). She is so obsessed with what this unshaven man-child thinks of her, that she desperately has him rank her. In fact, this ranking seems like some sort of giddy, child-like game to her. On top of that, her list of opponents grows more and more asinine so very rapidly. First she makes sure that she’s got the dog beat, because heaven forbid he date the dog instead of her. Next, she makes the least logical leap imaginable for this kind of man and brings up his mom (keep in mind that this ranking involves the man choosing which of the two options will he let fall to their death). Ignoring the fact that this man seems like the type who would only see his mother on obligatory holidays and would set personal goal to get poisonously intoxicated just to make his holiday stories more interesting, the woman still sniggers like a wretched hag when this boy sitting next to her implies that he would cavalierly allow his mother to helplessly hang over the edge of a cliff to save a girl who simply cannot hide how plain and average she knows she is.

And what’s behind door number three?: his beer. Yes, it is a beer commercial, but lets simplify the statement Miller Lite is trying to get across: our beer is so good, that if a bottle of Miller Lite were hanging over a cliff along with your lover, but only one could be saved, you should go for the one that is not human, because the beer lets you have an awesome time, and the human is an obnoxious whiner who deserves death. Yes, budding alcoholics, choose our beer over your relationships.

Okay, so he can’t decide, ha ha, cute. The concept is batnuts to begin with, so this resolution is fine in that it follows suit accordingly. But here’s another question: where the hell is she going? She’s supposed to get all huffy and leave (which would also follow suit), but she doesn’t leave the establishment, she sort of makes an “I didn’t get my way” noise and walks off. The simplest guess is that she had to pee and was going off to the bathroom to urinate and stew (not in the urine). She’s not going to complain to a friend, I would presume, because they’re acting too couple-y (read: he’s acting too couple-y) to have people they know around them; she already has a damn beer, so she wouldn’t be buying another, so it has to be the bathroom, right? Though if it is just the bathroom, she’s clearly coming back and sitting with him, so she’s just making a mountain out of a molehill in the bathroom for a few minutes (how like a woman!).

It’s clear from this commercial that Miller Lite wants to sell to people they think are dicks. Instead of a typical frat boy image, this is marketed to the guys too lazy or drunk or stupid to pledge fully and spend their six years at college regretting not being in a frat. Miller Lite wants to attract the sad, lonely asshole who needs to get drunk to have a good time (also how he enjoys Carlos Mencia). The target demographic for this commercial tries so very, very pathetically to fill the stereotypes he thinks exist, sacrificing every ounce of dignity just to convince himself that his buddies who actually got into frats consider him an honorary member, even though they only suffer him, because he’s too disgraceful to be left alone.

So unless you consider yourself the lowest common denominator who relies on the average people you worship, reject this damn commercial and Miller Lite for treating you like shit.